Whatever Happened to Class...?

My poor colleague, LogisticsQueen is often plagued with bad luck, and it was with great regret that I had to inform her of the fact that the second semester would give her the chance to get to know one of the most annoying students on my caseload as she would be taking a class with her then. Don't get me wrong, I'd do anything within reason for this kid, as I would anyone's kid and as I'd want others to do for my own kids even if they had the misfortune of being thoroughly irritating... Anyway, this student of mine has a few unfortunate flaws, one of which is the complete inability to shut the hell up and avoid saying things that only ever get her into trouble. Sadly, and quite seriously, this has made her hugely unpopular with her peers which makes me pity her more than dislike her really... So today, when a student took off her shoes in class, prompting another student to complain "It smells like feet in here!" to which my charmer loudly responded with "Nope, it smells like straight up cooch in here..."

Nice. I wish this were a rare occurrence that students would be this obnoxious in school, but this is pretty much a daily thing in my experience. Could you imagine yelling something like that out loud in class when you were 15? I didn't even speak like that with my friends!

Oddly enough, I didn't start swearing casually with friends until about 7 years ago... Which happens to coincide with my start of teaching... Hmmmm....

My feelings summed up here:

The Office Invades the Middle East! Yay!

I love The Office. Both the US and UK versions. I love Ricky Gervais even more. I'm delighted that his and Stephen Merchant's wildly successful show The Office has spawned a new incarnation in the Middle East. I hope that becomes available with subtitles, and I REALLY hope they insert some enormously awkward moments between the Jewish and Arab characters. I'm also looking forward to watching their new animated series, The Ricky Gervais Show (using audio from their podcasts, I'm assuming). I don't have HBO, so shall have to be naughty. Arrgh, me hearties.

Toilet Humor

(Yes, I was lazy: The above photo is kindly on loan from Read, Write, Now which has a fantastic loo-related post here)

Okay, stop me if I've told you this one before (HA! You can't...), but I think I only alluded to it in a much older post and never actually told the full tale...

A few years ago, I was keen to use the use the loo, and the staff toilet I happened to aim for was occupied so I stood and waited in the adjoining staff room. I heard the toilet flush, so I thought "oh good". Then it flushed again. "Oh. Not so good." Then a third time. I decided to dash away before the multiple-flush-offender came out and we'd realize that both of us knew what had just transpired and embarrassment would follow. In my haste to leave, I almost bumped into my boss at the time. We greeted each other and went on our separate ways.

Later that day, I heard my boss say to another teacher "Well, I saw Ms. TeacherLady come out of there... Hey, TeachLady, c'mere a minute..."

Apparently, the Multiple-Flush-Offender was offensive in more ways than one. She had apparently left a deposit of the fecal variety on the floor... Not even on or near the toilet, but half way between the toilet and the door to the bathroom. I can't even begin to imagine how that came about. Did she waddle over to the door, afraid it wasn't locked? Did she do a jig to release the offending particle from her person, and it just landed where it did?

Anyway, my boss had half-entertained the theory that I was the Doodie Depositor as he had seen me leave the vicinity in a bit of a rush.

I still don't really know if he believed my protests. We did have sit-down as well as squat options back home, but I was a firm sitter and not an Arab of the squatting variety. I like my buttocks to be firmly positioned on my Armitage Shanks before doing my duty. So to speak.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Apparently, my husband is into fat chicks because he got me the best collection of chocolates a woman could hope for on Valentine's Day. I'm a happy bint. We helped our three year old make her own Valentine's cards for her friends and after reading a paper on early literacy, we apparently did exactly the right thing... We encouraged her to write her own name on the cards, putting writing into real life context and making literacy fun. I had never thought about the exact moment a child starts to understand that letters represent sounds and vice versa, but I got to see it in our three year old and it's absolutely amazing. It's like watching the creation of life itself. The invention of fire. It was like the day someone realized peanut butter and chocolate tasted pretty darn good together. I wish I could have photographed it, filmed it, wrote down every detail of the moment it seemed to dawn on her... She went all Helen Keller on me, dragging me from word to word, identifying the letters she could and demanding I tell her what it said.

All in all, this has been an amazing February, despite a few crappy bits... My husband, kids, friends/colleagues are just incredible people and really make my life worth living. This night will only be made better by more chocolates, a good movie, and steamy hot love-making with Mr. TeacherLady... Only to be interrupted by the screaming of a cold-suffering, snotty 8 month old, I'm sure.

Happy Valentine's Day, people, and may your wild monkey-sex be interrupted far less than ours...

Shopping List

This is what happens when friends get a hold of your shopping list on your fridge...

They ever so kindly insert the things that totally slipped your mind...

Goals for TeacherLady

1) Learn how to spin and not stagger out of it, clutching my stomach and threatening to "puke all over the place like a freaking frat party after an unfortunate combination of an all-you-can-eat buffet and beer bong challenge." It doesn't make for a good belly dance performance.

2) Remember to take notes on my netbook at restaurants. I can never bloody remember what dishes I was disappointed in and almost always end up re-ordering the same damn thing because it sounded just as good as it did the last time. I've got the memory of a goldfish with Alzheimer's and I need to accept that. And anyway, they might think I'm a food critic and give me free shit.

3) Lengthen that darn fuse I seem to have snipped short on my temper. Work has really worn it down and I hate myself when I've used all my patience up there and then come home and take it out on those who deserve it the least.

4) Okay. So I may have returned to my pre-pregnancy weight, but NOT my pre-pregnancy shape. It's time to lose the little belly I've developed. It's been 8 months. The only excuse I have is that I'm not working out like I used to. Surely I have time to do a little bit each day? Okay, not really, but I can pretend like I do.

Right. That's it for now. Too many goals will just overwhelm me. If anyone has good suggestions for any of these, let me know. And no, killing a school psychologist should NOT be the suggestion for number 3, no matter how true it may be.

A Lesson Before Dying

English teacher: Do you see the irony of how the white Catholics would find it distasteful to execute the man during Lent?

Student: Eeeewww... They gonna eat him during Lent?

It made me smile despite having a colossally sucky start to my Monday. First thing on a Monday morning, I walked into a class to see a substitute behind the desk. I stood next to her to see what the kids were scheduled to do today, told a few kids to put away their MP3 players, then excused myself for a minute to go tell the other special ed. teacher who has kids in that room that a sub was present, because he likes to pull his kids out when there's a sub for a number of reasons. When I came back, imagine my surprise when I see a bunch of kids with MP3 players on.

TeacherLady: Wh... Wh... What're you doing? (I managed to sputter out to one of my kids)

Student: She said I could do it.

TeacherLady: Well, I already had this discussion with you more than once, and I've said you can't.

Student: Well SHE said I can. SHE's the classroom teacher now.

TeacherLady: It's a school rule. I'm sorry if she's not following the school rules, but I am. (I've bitten my tongue too many times in this very same situation, and I finally snapped and decided to call it like I saw it. My student got mad and frustrated, so I decided to abandon things.)

I walked out. I helped out in another class instead. I couldn't do my job in there, so I did it elsewhere.

I'm ready for a change. So very ready.