Disclaimer: Some content is inappropriate for readers under 18 years of age or those offended by swear words, references to sexuality, atheism, and libertarianism.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

What Few People Warn You About When it Comes to Making Babies

So my mother never really sat me down to give me the Birds and the Bees speech (she gave me this GREAT book for teenagers instead, which I was eternally grateful for. I really didn't need to hear my mother say the words "penis", "vagina", "ejaculate", or "reverse cow-girl"). The real problem lay in the fact that neither did she really give me warnings about what to expect when it came to the result of said Birds and the Bees activity, namely being pregnant and the experiences that follow thereafter. Here is a list of things that startled naive little ol' TeacherLady:

1) Your hips may suddenly get wider way before your belly even starts to grow, so you think you've got time before you have to break out the muu-muus and the wide load pants, but nooo...
2) You can't sleep comfortably on your back for most of the pregnancy. I honestly did not know this until I tried it and felt like my blood vessels were being impeded like a hose with a kink in it.
3) I didn't know I'd have to prop up my belly when lying on my side, so it wouldn't hang painfully towards the bed like an enormous third breast. I love my maternity pillow.

4) That I'd get heartburn that would cause me to choke on my own vomit quite spontaneously in the middle of the night. (It happened so often I started to refer to the experiences as my "Janice Joplin Moments". Insensitive? Yes, accurate description, yes as well.)

5) I would never (without being under the influence of an extremely mentally debilitating disease or some really bad acid) have imagined in a billion years that the nurses would have the gall to ask me 15 pages' worth of questions while I'm lying on the hospital bed undergoing contractions every 2.5 minutes. Bear in mind, when I say 2.5 minutes apart, that is measured from the start of one contraction to the start of the next... Not giving me much of a reprieve in between.

6) I had no idea I'd produce "enough milk for a small nation" as the infant nutrition specialist put it. This means that when my children suddenly decide to pull away, I then spray my poor  unsuspecting offspring in the face with milk. And my arm. And my t-shirt. And my bra. And my sofa.

7) No one told me that drinking really cold water  could make me spontaneously start lactating. I knew to expect it when hearing a child cry, but even looking at my baby can do it to me too. My husband says he wishes he had that effect on me. I'm glad he doesn't. My clothes are soggy enough. Leaning forward makes me lactate too.

8) No one thought to mention projectile poops. My child's not my own. Nuff said.

9) Not one helpful soul warned me that I'd have the longest period of my life after having a baby and would, at first, require pads the size of place mats. Not one. I'm just sayin'.

10) What no one could ever warn me about is how enormously overwhelming my feelings are for my little ones. I'd crawl through hot coals, broken glass, and a Hansen concert for my babies. God help their future suitors. 

EDIT: I must also add that NO ONE ever mentioned mastitis. Freaking OW. It's like having a toothache in your boob.


Bdubba said...

I totally agree on all accounts.

I am totally pro-breastfeeding, don't get me wrong, but why is it that the books and magazines only mention the nippies getting a "little sore" when starting a new one on them? I think a more accurate description is "climbing a wall made of razor blades" sore.

During those early days I always equated myself to the bulldog in the Tom and Jerry episodes with the kitty. Where the little kitten would scratch and paw the big dog's back until finally settling in, curling up to sleep and everyone goes ahhhhhhhhhhhhh. The ahhhhhhhh would be when let down was achieved!

calencoriel said...

OH...I'm really sorry to hear about the mastitis. That was the worst 48 hours of my life.

Tamara said...

Great post ! I could not help but laugh even though going through all you have mentioned is anything but funny.

I guess in my experience people told me all the bad stuff, no one bothered to tell me that one smile from my baby is enough to make me forget all the sleepless nights

Bliss said...

excellent post.. this will come in handy in 5 years.. (coz thats how long im going to wait until mr. suitable comes along.. and if he doesnt im going to get artifically inseminated coz im not waiting longer than that) this body is going to have a baby dammit!

Jewaira said...


Forsoothsayer said...

wow, i did not know any of this. i think i'll hold off on that.