Disclaimer: Some content is inappropriate for readers under 18 years of age or those offended by swear words, references to sexuality, atheism, and libertarianism.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Literal Music Videos

Ever wished songs and their music videos were better matches? Especially for Total Eclipse of the Heart which had bugger all to do with the lyrics... Well, here you go:

Pardon Me While I Slip Into Something More Embarrassing...

My science teacher was the unfortunate deliverer of the ultimate Freudian slip. Of cosmic proportions. I only wish I was there, but I was grateful for his sharing his humiliation with me. And thus the web.

He was teaching the students about sexually transmitted diseases and various ways in which they might be transmitted in the hopes of dispelling myths and old wives tales. Seriously, I had a student who was convinced that drinking a 2 liter of Mountain Dew after having sex would act as a morning after pill... Another thought that if the girl was standing up and jumped up and down afterwards there would be no fear of pregnancy either... Another thought that you could catch AIDS from toilet seats (maybe if you sat on a seat studded with broken glass right after a crack whore...) so they need all the dispelling they can get when it comes to sex.

Anyway, he was trying to explain how the membranes that line a woman's vagina is an awful lot like the lining of your mouth. What he TRIED to say next was that the nature of the lining of your mouth allows you experience the tastes of the food you eat and why "FOOD TASTES SO GOOD", but instead this is the gem that came out:

"... So the lining of your mouth is the same, which is why vaginas taste so good."

He later reflected with me that even though he had no idea of what he'd just said, he knew something was wrong when the kid in the back (aka Rip Van Winkle) actually lifted his drool covered face off of his desk and stared quizzically at his teacher. After some quiet giggling, a girl raised her hand and said "Do you know what you just said?" and proceeded to quote the statement back to him.

I told him that, on the bright side, if the kids run home to tell their parents what Mr. Science Teacher said, we'd have a great turn out of mothers to the next parent-teacher conference night and the worst he'd probably get is a few winks and giggles. 

I love seeing guys blush and this young man is going to be good for that, I can tell.

This Morning Giggles

Pretty busy at the mo', so here are a couple of clips of British morning show presenters completely losing it over unintended sexual innuendos. Forgive the laughter on the second one, it must have been aired to an audience or something...

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

You Know What Sucks?

Looking at my lottery ticket and seeing four of its numbers in LAST week's lottery drawing. Dammit. I feel like an idiot for even buying a lottery ticket.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

What Few People Warn You About When it Comes to Making Babies

So my mother never really sat me down to give me the Birds and the Bees speech (she gave me this GREAT book for teenagers instead, which I was eternally grateful for. I really didn't need to hear my mother say the words "penis", "vagina", "ejaculate", or "reverse cow-girl"). The real problem lay in the fact that neither did she really give me warnings about what to expect when it came to the result of said Birds and the Bees activity, namely being pregnant and the experiences that follow thereafter. Here is a list of things that startled naive little ol' TeacherLady:

1) Your hips may suddenly get wider way before your belly even starts to grow, so you think you've got time before you have to break out the muu-muus and the wide load pants, but nooo...
2) You can't sleep comfortably on your back for most of the pregnancy. I honestly did not know this until I tried it and felt like my blood vessels were being impeded like a hose with a kink in it.
3) I didn't know I'd have to prop up my belly when lying on my side, so it wouldn't hang painfully towards the bed like an enormous third breast. I love my maternity pillow.

4) That I'd get heartburn that would cause me to choke on my own vomit quite spontaneously in the middle of the night. (It happened so often I started to refer to the experiences as my "Janice Joplin Moments". Insensitive? Yes, accurate description, yes as well.)

5) I would never (without being under the influence of an extremely mentally debilitating disease or some really bad acid) have imagined in a billion years that the nurses would have the gall to ask me 15 pages' worth of questions while I'm lying on the hospital bed undergoing contractions every 2.5 minutes. Bear in mind, when I say 2.5 minutes apart, that is measured from the start of one contraction to the start of the next... Not giving me much of a reprieve in between.

6) I had no idea I'd produce "enough milk for a small nation" as the infant nutrition specialist put it. This means that when my children suddenly decide to pull away, I then spray my poor  unsuspecting offspring in the face with milk. And my arm. And my t-shirt. And my bra. And my sofa.

7) No one told me that drinking really cold water  could make me spontaneously start lactating. I knew to expect it when hearing a child cry, but even looking at my baby can do it to me too. My husband says he wishes he had that effect on me. I'm glad he doesn't. My clothes are soggy enough. Leaning forward makes me lactate too.

8) No one thought to mention projectile poops. My child's not my own. Nuff said.

9) Not one helpful soul warned me that I'd have the longest period of my life after having a baby and would, at first, require pads the size of place mats. Not one. I'm just sayin'.

10) What no one could ever warn me about is how enormously overwhelming my feelings are for my little ones. I'd crawl through hot coals, broken glass, and a Hansen concert for my babies. God help their future suitors. 

EDIT: I must also add that NO ONE ever mentioned mastitis. Freaking OW. It's like having a toothache in your boob.

Saturday, May 09, 2009

Let Me Taste Your Organic Batter Blaster.

Okay, okay. That was puerile, I know... 
Unlike most aerosol can foods, this one actually looks like it might be tolerable... Tasty, even! Behold, the pancake batter in an aerosol can: The Organic Batter Blaster! I want one.

Thursday, May 07, 2009

Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal Break.

I'm spending most of my time entertaining me little one while expertly holding my even littler one to my boob, so I thought you'd enjoy a little Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal. 
You have to see this cartoon on the original site to hold your pointer over the red button to see the added bonus gag.

Friday, May 01, 2009

Good Things Come to Those Who Wait...

I finally gave birth!! Four days late, but who's counting? (I freaking was... Every damn second...) I was discharged from the hospital last night so I only spent one night away from home, which was nice. Although they're pretty efficient at our local hospital, they neglected to give me an injection  I needed so they called me to come in today, which was a farce... They said I'd be expected, and I wasn't, and although the girls were both VERY good, I really would have preferred to be at home and not hanging around waiting for people call each other and ask what the hell was going on. 

We hadn't anticipated being in there so long today, so we felt bad when our 3 year old got upset that she'd peed in her diaper so much it was falling off her and in our haste we hadn't brought a spare along. She was distressed that her dress would get wet with urine, so she promptly whipped that off too and ran out of the little room they'd put us in and proceeded to do her "bum dance" in the hallway. Her "bum dance" consists of her getting completely nude then turning around and waving her arse at you. All class in our household. Thankfully, we managed to convince her to put her dress back on and just go back to the car with daddy and get a new diaper there. It was hilarious. Thankfully, we were the only witnesses to this "one night only" performance, although somewhere there might have been some security guard staring at one of the monitors with some bemusement. 

Anyway, prior to today's episode which could easily have done with a Benny Hill Yakkity Sax theme underlying it, I had the honor of helping to bring in to this world another little person chock full of potential to do great things and hopefully deliver a small measure of goodness into this world. Funnily enough, she does slightly resemble the aforementioned Benny Hill, but I'm guessing she'll outgrow that phase soon enough. When attached to my breast, she's prone to making pirate faces (one eye squinting) and every little bit of flatulence she produces is interpreted by my other daughter as a challenge, to which she responds with gusto. Yet again, all class in our house.

My uterus hurts like a mother (that's irony), and in the short time I've been away from work, one of my student has been expelled for drug possession, one kicked out for insulting a number of teachers using quite colorful language, and one strongly suspects she is now pregnant... But life is still good. I love my little family and I'm so grateful for all the goodness I've got in my life. I'm spoiled, and I know it.