Disclaimer: Some content is inappropriate for readers under 18 years of age or those offended by swear words, references to sexuality, atheism, and libertarianism.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

I'm as Bad as the Kids.

In science class today, the teacher was lecturing on safety procedures as they're about to start doing labs in class. One of my students (The Black Goth Kid) is prone to making outrageous remarks or questions just to get attention (ie. "Can we blow things up?", "Can we cut open dead bodies?") throughout the poor teacher's lectures, and today was no different. He asked if he could stick a pipette in his mouth, or something stupid like that, to which the science teacher responded:

"I should hope none of you guys stick my equipment in your mouths"

His facial expression then went through that well-known sequence known to all teachers... First, confidence with the innocent intention behind the start of the sentence, then startled hesitation, then determination to continue with the sentence because you've already got 95% of it out of your mouth and if you stop now you'll make your double-entendre even more obvious, then the reluctant smile as you realize, hey, it's kinda funny. It just so happened that, in my boredom, I was daydreaming about that very behavior (with my husband) and so was doubly startled at the sudden irrational fear that my thoughts had been found out, and so I struggled to hold back one of those snorting laughs that happens at the back of your nose and throat but failed to silence it completely. The teacher and I made that fatal eye contact and he tried to turn his laugh into a cough and I tried to look really intently and seriously at the paperwork in front of me and strangle the laugh out of me as silently as possible.

What really confused me was that NOT ONE KID LAUGHED. My guess is they were all asleep, because otherwise they would have leaped on that one like wolves on a three-legged rabbit.

I really need to work on the maturity thing, because one day I'll shout out "That's what he said!" at a job interview or funeral or something and have to migrate to yet another country to avoid yet more embarrassment. Hey, why do you think I moved to the States in the first place?


calencoriel said...

That's fantastic! That's almost as good as the day I asked a student to "quit playing with your balls!" after we had finished constructing organic ball and stick models during class and he was clicking the things together annoying me while I tried to go through the all important wrap up discussion.

Abel Undercity said...

What's with kids these days? At St. Joe's we'd have pounced on that like lionesses on a wounded gazelle!

Bdubba said...

Very nice! That made me smile this early morning - even before my coffee. lol

PHSChemGuy said...

Calen read this one first and told me the story. It was chucklesome and all, but the line of I was daydreaming about that very behavior makes it an infinitely more entertaining story.

Thank you for a glimpse of what - from time to time - the cooperating teacher day dreams about.

I can never teach special ed kids just for that reason.

TeacherLady said...

Calen, I love it...! The Red One told me that he got a few more fun lines from his students who attempted to write riddles giving clues as to what mixture or substance they were... "I'm brown and sweet and have white balls in me" was meant to be hot chocolate. Another was "at parties I can be found in rubber, I can make your throat feel funny and your voice sound funny". Helium. Both times he said everyone was acting complete oblivious to the double entendres, including the students giving the clues.

Abel, I know... What is it with these kids?! I guess nothing short of yelling "COCK! would get through to them.

Bdubba, glad to be of service! I'm not a coffee person so I need stuff like that to make my day. I ended up smiling all day after that one.

PHSChemguy, are you saying you don't want a special ed. teacher in your room because we're all pervs? Hey, I'm only human and I enjoy being honest to the point of making people blush. I bet if the classroom teacher had more down time, he'd spare a thought for that sort of thing too, once in a while. Anyway, there's not much I can do while the teacher is lecturing besides occasionally telling kids to put their phones away, wake up, stop chatting etc, although I have spent most of my spare time working on papers for my masters classes recently... But once I've had enough, I go back to being my husband's naughty, naughty bedroom wench.

PHSChemGuy said...

No, TL...I'm saying that I don't want a special ed teacher in my classroom because I have a tough enough time not saying accidentally inappropriate things that I don't need somebody else winking and chuckling when I say things.

Bliss said...

hahaha i love this.. you made my day !

TeacherLady said...

PHSChemguy, some day I will insist on the importance of observing as many of my colleagues in their classrooms as possible and I will make sure to come to your classroom and look you dead in the eye the whole time and just WAIT for a potential "That's what she said" comment to "arise" and I will challenge you to a no-smiling contest, to which I will lose and lose with glee!
Boy I'm looking forward to our next in-service.