Disclaimer: Some content is inappropriate for readers under 18 years of age or those offended by swear words, references to sexuality, atheism, and libertarianism.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Men in Lipstick!

I'm not always turned on by cross-dressing men, as a rule, but here are some sexually abiguous chaps I can appreciate. I know I could have included just about every rock star who performed in the 80s, but I didn't.

David Bowie singing Life on Mars. He's still sexy.

Tim Curry singing Sweet Transvestite. He used to be sexy.

John Cameron Mitchel sings The Origin of Love. Who knew a man in drag would sing what I consider to be one of the most romantic songs I've ever heard? (Note: I dressed as Yitzhak for halloween one year- that's the 'guy' with the bandana and stubble- and my husband dressed as Hedwig. Facial hair is itchy and my spouse learned it wasn't a good idea to shave his chest.)

Joel Grey singing Willkommen. Actually, I was strangely attracted to him when I first saw this movie. It confused me to find a guy in lipstick hot, especially such a little pixie of a man such as he, but I just went with it. It's also one of the best musicals I've ever seen. It was hard picking one song. Gotta love the Fosse choreography. I would often try to immitate it and my hips and wrists would get a great workout in the process!

I tried to find good clips of The Adventures of Priscilla Queen of the Desert, but I wasn't impressed by what I found. I just think Hugo Weaving is hot. I found this crappy music video that doesn't allow embedding, and while it's awful, they did a better job of his drag costume and make-up than they did in the movie, I think. Guy Pearce was more attractive in drag, but Hugo was V. That makes him extra sexy.

I'm sure there are loads I'm forgetting, but I'm tired and need chocolate. Ta ta, sweetie-dahhhlings!

Feeling Thankful.

Ah. Thanksgiving. It coincided delightfully with my abrupt, violent increase in appetite. It also appears that everything I'm eating is going directly to my boobs. Or so you'd think, given their rapid rate of growth. At first, I was delighted to regain my pre-first-baby boob size, but things have gotten out of hand and they're continuing to grow. I'm feeling rather like Violet Beauregarde in the fun-bags region specifically, which would be cool if they weren't also a bit sore, so when I bump them into things because I'm unaccustomed to their sheer size I let out a yelp.

Anyway, gargantuan breasts aside, I'm having a nice little break from work and am enjoying time with my little one. I took her to the museum on my first day off and was horrified to see how most people's offspring are being raised. It started off in the parking lot... As I was merrily walking towards the building with my little midget scuttling alongside me excitedly, we could hear the far off cry of a protesting little boy being carried back to the car by his father. The museum had only been open for 20 minutes, so my guess was that their visit was cut short... Anyway, the father shouted quite violently at his son to "shut up, just shut up".

Now, I'm ashamed to admit that I have sometimes lost my temper with my beautiful little girl because, quite frankly, I had given every last ounce of my patience away at work dealing with other people's brats and stupid adults, so coming home to a tantrum might not always result in my following Parenting magazine's advice on how to best deal with the situation calmly. But I know that I have never intentionally hurt my daughter or made her fear me by my actions or shouting, so two thoughts flitted through my head. The father was stressed with the upcoming holiday, or he was an emotionally and/or physically abusive man.

I glanced over to make sure the kid appeared okay, then kept walking with my head down. I suddenly felt so ashamed at my interpretation of the situation as being his business and not my own, because how many times might a child have been saved from years of abuse if only someone else had spoken up? My shame didn't last long as I saw another concerned parent staring fixedly back at the screaming child and his father. He stood his ground and told his own family to keep walking towards the museum and he would catch up once he was certain the kid was okay.

I guess I learned my lesson a few years ago back home when I rushed to the aid of a housemaid being held against her will by her employer. She was wailing and crying on the sandy threshold of the house and in the man I saw all that I hated about my countrymen: The racist, the sexist, the abusive, the sense of entitlement, the arrogance, the ability to get away with crime because of one's status or family name... He let the woman go to appease me, but was firm in his stance that she was a trouble-maker and her running away would place all responsibility on him and his wife. I refused to budge until he gave her the passport she was begging for. He may have been honest about her being a trouble-maker, but I was sick and tired of seeing "my people" holding the passports of poor migrant workers like some sort of sick game of "hostage travel documents for crappy pay", and definitely not cool with seeing a man holding on to a woman who was screaming and crying on the floor. The employer invited us in to meet his white wife to prove he couldn't possibly be an abusive man because what white woman would put up with an abusive foreign husband? I wasn't impressed, not even when she appeared with the hijab on. My mother was there and made hasty apologies on behalf of her half-crazed daughter who had developed an unhealthy fear and loathing for men given years and years of abuse and gropings from strange men she didn't know. Whatever. I got him to let go, didn't I? If she had committed a crime serious enough to warrant being held against her will, then the cops should have been called. Otherwise it's just yet another example of violence towards migrant housemaids, and God knows I'm sick of those vile news stories.

Anyway, back to the museum. Once we got inside, my daughter rushed to all of her favorite parts of the children's section of the museum, only to be shoved aside by other kids, have toys snatched away from her, and be forced to avoid bigger boisterous boys whose behavior was left unchecked by whatever adult who was supposed to be keeping their darn brats on a leash. You could tell which kids had parents who cared about their behavior because they would quietly suggest to their kids to share, take turns, or give the little girl a helping hand and the kids made great attempts to fight their natural instincts to be possessive and selfish in the hopes of pleasing the mother or father they respected and loved. The problem was, I only came across three kids with parents like that in the whole damn place and had to spend most of my time trying to help my poor daughter have a semi-good time given all the little shits who were trying to ruin it for her. It was just depressing. I half expected to see Piggy around the next corner, bound and being tormented by a horde of toddlers pushing a boulder towards their victim below. I did what I could for my little peanut to have a good time, but I spent most of that outing trying not to lose faith in humanity entirely.

So now that I've let loose some inner demons, I'll focus on the positive. Boy, am I thankful for the family I grew up with who taught me right from wrong and how to treat others with respect. Heavens, am I grateful for the patient husband I found by chance who is willing to put up with my less than stable moments and share everything I love with me and show me how much more love I'm capable of giving. I'm especially grateful for the fact that the more time I get to spend with him, the more time I yearn to spend with him. I'm grateful for my step-son, who patiently waited for the moment that he would realize I wasn't the bad guy he was worried I would be and is doing all that he can to be the best step-son he can possibly be. I'm thankful for my beautiful daughter, who makes me smile every single day and whose future is undoubtedly bright simply for her being in it. I'm not so thankful for my pets who keep pissing/puking/pooping on things, but hey, they make me laugh, so what the hey. I'm grateful for the little baby who is currently NOT sitting on my bladder, thank you very much, and will show my heart how to grow even bigger. I'm grateful to have had the luck of living in relative safety when there are many in this world who don't know if they'll live from one day to the next and I'm grateful for the lucky circumstances which allow me to help them out in the small ways that I do. I'm grateful for these big bazookas which make my low cut tops look even better, until your eyes travel down to my pregnant gut and ever widening butt in the back. I'm ever so grateful for my lovely in-laws, whose response to my "sorry the sweet/russet potato mash is a little lumpy" was "oh, we LIKE it lumpy!" and not in a sarcastic way, either.

Life is good, despite some shitty people who try to ruin it for the rest of us. I hope you all have a lot to be thankful for, big boobs or not.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Official Decree (Regarding Pubes)

I am so puerile, I thought this was so funny I cried laughing while reading it. I found it at Passive Aggressive Notes, a new place I'm going to have to check out once in a while.

Not What I Used to Be.

I pride myself on being fairly well physically balanced, perhaps even bordering on “elegant” in my ability to move across a room without looking like a complete prat, but there’s something about being pregnant and in the company of a two year old that turns me into a blundering juggernaut in public places. Especially now that we’re getting the proverbial nip in the air, I’ve got the added look and agility of the Michelin man in my big coat and my Kermit the Frog handbag which always tumbles down my arm and onto the floor every time I have to pick my little protester up off the ground.

My daughter is hugely averse to sitting in shopping carts. We used to have some success if we grabbed a pile of books and had her read them as we went along, in between stuffing her with free samples. We must look like hobo parents… Feeding our daughter free bread and cheese samples and convincing her that the lobster tank qualifies the outing as a trip to the zoo…

Anyway, the book thing stopped working as she desperately wanted to help to put stuff in the cart and, given her choice of items, the bigger-the better. She is determined to pick up items twice her size and then tries to heave them into the cart. While this may look like charmingly nostalgic Dickensian child labor, I really don’t want to entertain the possibility of accidentally paying for a gallon sized tub of sprinkles. This could conceivably happen because she also insists on standing in the cart to put her ill-gotten booty up onto the check out conveyor thingamajigy.

While this all sounds terribly helpful and more like my attempt to rub it in the faces of other parents that I have bred my very own child slave, there’s a huge flaw to her not being seated in the cart. She bolts. Really bolts. I’ll say her name, and without turning back she’s a little blur of pink clothes and tiny jeans. It's normally not too hard to find her, all I have to do is follow the series of troubled looking women's faces. As they see me waddle past, half of them smile with understanding, and the other half look like they're disgusted. They're either thinking I'm a shitty parent who should 'splain herself on the Oprah Winfrey Show, or else they feel these small horrid things known as children shouldn't be allowed out of doors. Either way, they can get stuffed.

So I've traded my cool, confident pace across a room, with perhaps even a hint of a seductive swing to my hips for that of a frantic mad scramble, huffing and puffing like an asthmatic hippo with heavy shopping. Sexy.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Quote of the Week

My science teacher told me about a student he was forced to write up for making inappropriate comments out loud. This week, the student asked another student why he had a sprained wrist and then answered his own question with:

"Were you jerking off without lotion again?"

I asked my colleague how he managed to handle that without at least smiling. I struggle not to when they start up with the "yo momma" comments amongst themselves. One day, my history teacher asked the kids if they had done their home work. One student turned to another and whispered quietly "I didn't do my homework last night, but I did yo momma." The other student laughed and tried to get him back later. I gave them a raised eyebrow look of disapproval, but deep down I know I love a good "yo momma" comment.

On the home front, my daughter has decided that changing diapers is no fun anymore. I get as far as taking off the wet one before she bolts from the room, little arms flailing to keep her balance and pale little bum cheeks disappearing over the horizon. Again, I try not to laugh to reinforce it, but sometimes I slip. Another thing she's decided is that she wants to get undressed by herself. This usually concludes with the amusing result of her not getting her long sleeve t-shirt off and instead looking more like a failed Houdini in diapers. Any offers of help up until that point are greeting with "NO! I do it by self!" but then after reaching the point of no return, she reluctantly accepts a hand. Her push for independence leads to other funny little quirks... She won't sit in high chairs or on boosters anymore. Bearing in mind that she is extremely short for her age, she looks especially adorable and ridiculous sitting with us at our dinner table or at tables in restaurants. You'd think we'd brought our pet chihuahua to the table.

My online college work is keeping me extra busy, hence my rare postings, but I figure you guys have healthy enough social lives that my temporary silence wouldn't upset you in the least.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Getting Close to Losing It.

I'm getting dangerously close to punching one of my students in the throat. His new thing (he's abandoned the bet with the other kid to see who could not do work the longest in class, since the other kid was withdrawn for not being in the district) is to refuse to do the classwork and say he'll get it done for homework, then proceed to be the noisiest little fucker in the whole room and respond to any remark, look, or consequence you give him with even louder remarks, usually involving everyone being racist against the Mexican. We can't send him to the office because our principal is away and will be away for a few days now. When he's put in the hall, he just gets what he wants... Out of doing work.

If I were to sock him, I think I would get a round of applause from humanity, especially his classmates... Even THEY are sick of him.

I wouldn't worry about it if it weren't for the fact that he disrupts the whole class with his behavior, and kids who don't normally act up start following suit because they figure it's a free for all when this clown is around. I can't think of anything that will work. One thing is for sure, I'm letting his teachers know that I'm not putting up with his getting full credit for work that should have been done in class, but is instead done when he can copy off of someone else and hand it in a week later at the earliest... His disability doesn't give him the right to be a dickhead. He's going to see a bunch more zeroes on his report card.

I'm really at a loss. He doesn't even recognize what he's doing is wrong. He'll even insist he wasn't talking when he's the one shouting stupid things on the top of his lungs and he gets irate if you contradict that. If I were to describe what behavior would earn him a reward or a punishment, he'd insist he'd done all the right things and deny any wrong doing, so a contractual behavior plan would be pointless. Teachers, any suggestions?

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Yet Another Starfish Throws Itself on the Shore. And Stays There.

So... Yeah... You know that kid I've basically shifted the entire universe such that it revoles around him in the hopes that he may actually pass at least the 9th grade, if not all of high school? Turns out he may be living in the district, but the person he's living with doesn't have custody of him, so he's been forced to withdraw from our school until his guardian becomes his LEGAL guardian. Knowing the guardian, I don't see this happening anytime soon and if the kid DOES come back to school, it'll be after he's missed out on so much information there wouldn't be a chance in hell his current Fs could become anything else. Unless they make a grade lower than an F. In which case, he'd have that. With a side of fries.

Saturday, November 08, 2008

'Child-Witches' of Nigeria

How horrifying is this news story of children being abandoned and/or abused by their families because some religious nut brands them as witches?

At what point do you abandon all reason for the sake of your "faith"? What could compel a parent to inflict such pain on their own children? I guess that's kind of answered by the story of Abraham and Isaac... Not being religious, I can't imagine believing so firmly in something I had no proof of that I'd be willing to harm an innocent child, my OWN innocent child at that... And to what end? So someone you believe to be all powerful or is best buds with the all-powerful tells you to kill a child, do you abandon all reason and go along with it without question? And why do religious nuts feel such pride in that kind of blind obedience? Does it make you a higher form of intelligent life to be able to shut down your inner moral compass and rely entirely on the directions of something unseen and unheard?

I really shouldn't tackle anything more complicated than getting into my pyjamas at this hour, but I read the news story and had to share.


Ladies and gents, I present to you... Gunther and the Sunshine Girls!

Warning: Contains the sight of a naked man's ass and soft core lesbo action. Which makes it sound a lot better than it really is...

Thursday, November 06, 2008

Why I Voted the Way I Did.

Teaching the kids I do is what has made me far more “fiscally conservative” than I ever used to be or might have been had I pursued another career. On a daily basis, I see the mindset that is developing in today’s kids who exist within the realm of reliance on a government that always provides for them, over and over. Schools are microcosms of that outside world in that we provide many of life’s necessities that really should be provided for by the parents/families themselves and chance after chance after chance to move past bad decisions. It gets to the point that the lazy and the delinquent kids are given all these chances and treats that their harder working peers don't get.

Now, it may sound great to have such a wonderfully paternal government or school, but the end result is a kid with an over-inflated sense of entitlement and whose lack of effort is more than made up for by the time, effort, and energy of others. Last week, a girl proudly announced that she will NEVER fail a class really, because No Child Left Behind entitles her to pass high school no matter what. Then there was my kid who insisted that since Obama won, he'd never have to do any school work again. These kids really believe the government is there for handouts and forgives and even rewards their complete lack of effort.

Of course there are people who really need government support and they work hard, often at more than one job, trying desperately to get out of the hole they’re in. Bad luck and circumstances may be more to blame than conscious poor decisions made by those people who are forced to rely on government assistance and I believe help should always be there for them, but NOT the people who make absolutely no effort to help themselves.

Now I don't propose cutting off welfare completely, just that after a limited number of years a person may be on it I believe the next step should be used to pay for that person's training for a job and then aid in finding a position. The cost of such training and child care that may be required would be offset by that person then getting a job sooner and actually paying taxes in return. Teach a man to fish, as they say. We can only hand out so many fish before we're cheating that person out of the positive contribution they could be making to the world and to their own self esteem.

This is not about race, or one particular party, I just believe in people being independent, earning their rewards, only relying on taxpayer’s money for income as a last resort, and definitely not abusing that help while others work their asses off to get out of similar circumstances. I’m not saying it’s easy to get out of poverty, there are so many factors that can hold a person back from being able to do that, I just respect the attempts to make a positive contribution to this world, rather than sitting back and taking from others.

Part of my job is to help in the development of responsible, polite, diligent citizens who can make a positive contribution to the world, or at least to their families. I see too many students who are so used to being given what they want that if they don't get it, they take it (sadly none of my students go the Jean Valjean route, they steal less noble things and for less noble reasons). At what point do we, as an education system and as a country, teach these kids that earning is far more admirable and fulfilling than just getting and taking?

I'm sorry if I have offended both my democratic and republican readers... I see value in aspects of both your parties, and I knew Obama would win but I couldn't bring myself to add to the growing cycle of dependent students. As stupid as the Libertarian's foreign policy is, I'd have voted for them if I felt they had a chance of winning.

I hope I have confirmed that I didn't vote for McCain because I'm a raging racist, despise the environment, and want to blow up "baby killers". I've got very good friends who are democrats and I'd hate for them to think I dislike them at all for their beliefs. I just have different ones, that's all.

Oh and Goddammit, California!! Let the gay people get married!! Geez louise. Help them, California! You're they're only hope!

I'm off. I fancy getting a reuben sandwich. Oh the irony...

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Hail to the Chief!

Okay, so I didn't vote for Obama, but I believe in respecting whomever is elected president because I'm a good loser, tons of people seem to believe in him- including people I respect- and hey... He's the freaking president. I may not be blind to the faults of those in the upper echelons of politics, but I truly believe in a certain level of respect regardless. Perhaps it's my Arab upbringing, sort of like respecting your elders and all that...
Anyway, my heartfelt congratulations to our new president!

On a sad note, however, I was quite disappointed in the behavior of many students today. I had heard from Hot Asian Babe Teacher that one of her white students was shocked that a "black man" was president. What century is this again?

Most of the students I work with are African-American, so I heard racism from the other side of the fence...

"Sarah Palin is so stupid... That's why they lost. She a stupid white girl, stupid like white girls are..."

Er. Okay.

When I quietly told that student to stop saying that over and over and get his science work started because he was currently failing, he started shouting: "You just mad because McCain lost!" over and over. I said who I voted for had no bearing on his grade in class and that I really just wanted him to get his work done. He then said- and I shit you not- because I'm a dreadfully honest person:

"I ain't doing anything anymore."

"Why's that?"

"Because my boy Obama won and I don't have to do anything anymore. I can drop out."

"So... You think Obama would be proud to hear you say that?"

He fumbled for a bit, then went a little quieter but still refused to do his work.

Another comment I overheard:

"All the white people gonna be mad today!"

Let's ignore the fact that he wouldn't have won without SOME white votes...

And another great one:

"If Obama didn't win, I was gonna bring a gun to school and shoot everyone!"

I turned around to see who said that, but was unsuccessful. I can't stand when I hear things behind my back and can't identify who said it.

Throughout the day, any time a teacher told a student to quit misbehaving, someone would mutter "It's because McCain lost".

Frankly, I think the Republican party has allowed itself to become a bunch of dinosaurs and perhaps it's time for them to move on... Either they get more in touch with more people or they just quit completely. Maybe THEN the libertarians could have a chance! Although their foreign policy smacks a bit of xenophobia, which is unlikely to curry any favor with allies and is impossible to maintain successfully in this global day and age, I have a lot of faith in their beliefs about a smaller government and less legislation butting into our personal lives.

Sigh. Ah well. Maybe in the distant future.
Anyway, I wish our president Barack Obama good luck, what with resentment he will face from racists and now unrealistic expectations from kids who think they'll never have to work anymore because this man who worked his ass off to overcome the odds and climb to the highest, most respected position in the land will wave a magic wand and make it so. Since I don't hold such unrealistic expectations, I'm hoping to be pleasantly surprised! My glass has to be half full about SOME things, dammit! :)

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

First Time...

It was my first time today... I was nervous, excited, and wondered if he'd love me back in the morning... I voted.

I also found this on List of the Day. I liked it.

Monday, November 03, 2008

No Child Left Behind. Except These Ass Clowns.

My students have actually proven to me that there is a new low... A couple of weeks ago, one of my "ex-cons" figured out just how hard I'm working to try to get the little bastard to pass all his classes. In history class, I YET AGAIN gave him copies of assignments he lost/threw away and jotted down the page numbers where he could find each and every answer if he bothered to crack open the book and look for keywords. He watched me as I flipped through the book, scribbling the page numbers in the margin of his papers.
"Ms. TeacherLady, you work harder than I do."
"I know. You can change that any time you feel like it. Really."
"I should do nothing next quarter so you'll have a lot more work to do."
"Er, no, you'll just fail again. AND make me tired. Neither of which is very pleasant."

He's still failing history.

Another student decided he would come to school twice a week on average, so I did everything short of sending smoke signals to his non-responsive home to no avail. Since he's another one of my "ex-cons", I decided to pull the bigs guns and call his parole officer. He started coming to school a lot more often after that, albeit late for most of the mornings for the first week and a half after my conversation with his P.O. I took what I could get. The next step was to keep him from sleeping in class. I've basically figured that one out, I prod him and give him work to do which he usually plods through at a tortoise's pace, but with surprising accuracy. Next step, he needed to actually bring stuff to school... Like pens, pencils, paper, books, etc. I gave him some supplies at the start of the year (well, when he got out of prison and came to me) but he had lost them. So this time, I bought an official school bag and filled it with useful supplies. He seemed quite excited by his new bag and even more excited at my promise to buy him a McDonald's lunch if he brought his bag to each of his classes three consecutive days. Very excited. He already put in an order of three cheeseburgers. I said "Sure, whatever it takes, buddy."

The very next day, he lost his bag. He found it during his last class and promptly left it there to rot for the following day. Out of the four remaining days of the week, he had it with him once. The following week, the offer still stood and I pleaded with him to give me the opportunity to buy him lunch. He had it two days in a row (I turned a blind eye to the one English class he didn't have it) and then decided to skip all his classes on the third day. On the fourth day, he asked me when I was going to buy him his lunch and was irate when I said he hadn't done the full three days in a row. He didn't think I was going to count the day he skipped the whole damn day to go home with his senior buddy.

I thought I made it easy for him. I wanted to provide an easy success to motivate him. It seems to have failed. He tells teachers his dad never did homework, so why should he... Today, he and another thoroughly irritating student of mine placed a bet as to whether or not they could go through a whole math class without doing a single bit of work.

Y'hear that sound? That's of TeacherLady smashing her head against a wall. I have to get these kids to not only pass their freshman classes, but the state test too. That little test that tells the world whether or not I'm an effective teacher. The one that determines if I get to keep my job, along with all my colleagues too. Fuck that! If legislators want to make expectations like that, they can take a fucking moment to look into my job and see how impossible it can be with some kids. It's all down to their home, their upbringing. You heard the kid! Daddy didn't do homework, and he's such a freaking winner, after all... Why not want to be like him?

Geez. A beer would be so freaking sweet right now. I'm into that whole breast feeding thing, too, so I can't even count down until birth, it goes BEYOND that!

And another thing!!! I'm really hating that college class I'm taking online right now. It's got so many bloody bugs and problems with it... Everyone in the class is getting frustrated and I'm getting so worn out trying to work through their problems that I'm ready to eat my monitor.


Okay. Breathe. Breathe. Life is good. My daughter is beautiful, my husband is sweet, my step-son is doing great at his school work, my colleagues make me laugh... I think I need to chill to some Enigma now.