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Monday, October 06, 2008

My Poor Neighbors.

My neighbors must wonder about me and my family... Yesterday my husband and I set about putting our outdoor Halloween decorations up and we had my step-son and my two year old daughter help us out. I'm guessing a bunch of our poodle-walking-soccer-mom-house-wives might object a tad to seeing my toddler kindly carrying over the severed head impaled on a spike for daddy to put up, but if it's any consolation it doesn't look like a REAL severed head impaled on a spike.

I took a moment to rest on our lawn, amid all the fake headstones and noticed one of our cats scooting past me. I had chucked her out the house only moments before having noticed that she'd managed to get huge clumps of poo stuck in her ass fur and I was in no mood to put off Halloween decorations to help wipe my feline's bottom. We had a pair of scissors nearby to open up some of our newer decorations and so I decided I shouldn't put off the inevitable and grabbed her.

It took a moment for me to realize how ridiculous I must have looked, half straddling my horrified looking kitty with her lifted tail in one hand and a sharp pair of scissors in the other. Only cat owners would realize that sometimes it's better to just start sheering rather than try to wash that kind of nastiness out, but hearing the voices of a multitude of neighbors out and about, I figured at least one of them would not be a cat owner and instead assume I was some sort of sicko performing a sacrificial rite on my lawn. Damn, those Arabs really are sick bastards, I heard in my head, so I let Pumpkin go for a little while... At least until I could tackle her nasty ass in private.

Not having any hot water that day (we were without a working water heater for a few days), I decided I really didn't want to leap in and out of my shower, screaming bloody murder anymore, so I came up with another bright idea. I'd wash my hair with a hose in the back yard then leap into the hot tub for a few minutes (don't worry, I keep the temp. low so it won't harm my munchkin) then leap back out and briefly wash off my body before dashing back into the relative warmth of my house and braving my shower for the more intimate cleaning tasks at hand. Ahem. The hot tub was more a stupid indulgence than a real necessity. My initial plan was to wash my hair with the hose WHILE sitting in the hot tub, but I decided at the last minute not to be THAT much of a pussy. And I really hate leaning my head back in hair salons, let alone over the edge of my own hot tub.

I again cast a thought towards my neighbors. What must they think of the pregnant woman in the bikini, washing her hair in her back yard, occasionally yelping when the water managed to trickle surreptitiously down her neck like rivulets of pure evil?

I guess I don't need to wonder anymore why our immediate neighbors are planning on moving out soon. The gruesome cat-sacrificing exhibitionist mother of that poor toddler drove them to seek safer ground.


Abel Undercity said...

As a fellow Halloween lover, occasional cat-with-nasty-posterior-chaser, and sufferer of the periodic loss of hot water, I'd say don't think of it so much as "losing" neighbors as "upgrading". ;)

Abu Dhabi/UAE Daily Photo said...

LOL! That post cracked me up...been there, done that with the cat.

xeila said...

Haha! That's hilarious!

Gila said...

Glad to hear you are freaking out the neighbors! :)