Friday, May 09, 2008
Passed the Test!
I pass my citizenship test yesterday, so I'm on my way to becoming an American citizen. For those who may be interested in following a similar path, I have come up with a list of ideas that contributed to my complete success.
1) DO NOT suck up by wearing red, white, and blue or an "I Love America" t-shirt. It'll look like you're trying too hard, as though you've got something to hide. Instead, wear a burqa. It's like reverse psychology. You show you've got nothing to hide by hiding everything in plain sight.
2) DO NOT wear a fanny pack/bum bag under your clothes.
3) DO NOT use the word "infidel" or "jihad", even in casual, cordial conversation about last night's game.
4) DO NOT tell the interviewer you don't give a flying fuck at a rolling donut about his daughter/son/grandson/or himself (or in my case, ALL of the above). Just smile, nod, make empty, vapid, clichéd responses and try hard not to think about how expensive your parking fee is racking itself up to in the meantime.
5) DO NOT think too hard or for too long when the interviewer questions you about any possible criminal past. Nor is it advisable to respond with "not that anyone knows of..."
6) DO NOT assume that doing the Basic Instinct leg cross is a sure fire way of expediting matters.
7) Nor a low cut top.
8) Nor a mini-skirt.
9) Nor laying yourself over the desk and crying out "Oh give it to me, big boy, make me squeal Yankee Doodle Dandy, baby!" That may work when getting a Green Card, but they raise the bar when it comes to actual citizenship.
10) DO NOT get the theme song from Team America: World Police stuck in your head so steadfastly that you have to use every fiber of your being to avoid belting out "AMERICA! FUCK YEAH!" Wait until you get back into your car.