Disclaimer: Some content is inappropriate for readers under 18 years of age or those offended by swear words, references to sexuality, atheism, and libertarianism.

Friday, May 09, 2008

Passed the Test!

I pass my citizenship test yesterday, so I'm on my way to becoming an American citizen. For those who may be interested in following a similar path, I have come up with a list of ideas that contributed to my complete success.

DO NOT suck up by wearing red, white, and blue or an "I Love America" t-shirt. It'll look like you're trying too hard, as though you've got something to hide. Instead, wear a burqa. It's like reverse psychology. You show you've got nothing to hide by hiding everything in plain sight.

2) DO NOT wear a fanny pack/bum bag under your clothes.

DO NOT use the word "infidel" or "jihad", even in casual, cordial conversation about last night's game.

DO NOT tell the interviewer you don't give a flying fuck at a rolling donut about his daughter/son/grandson/or himself (or in my case, ALL of the above). Just smile, nod, make empty, vapid, clichéd responses and try hard not to think about how expensive your parking fee is racking itself up to in the meantime.

DO NOT think too hard or for too long when the interviewer questions you about any possible criminal past. Nor is it advisable to respond with "not that anyone knows of..."

6) DO NOT assume that doing the Basic Instinct leg cross is a sure fire way of expediting matters.

7) Nor a low cut top.

8) Nor a mini-skirt.

9) Nor laying yourself over the desk and crying out "Oh give it to me, big boy, make me squeal Yankee Doodle Dandy, baby!" That may work when getting a Green Card, but they raise the bar when it comes to actual citizenship.

10) DO NOT get the theme song from Team America: World Police stuck in your head so steadfastly that you have to use every fiber of your being to avoid belting out "AMERICA! FUCK YEAH!" Wait until you get back into your car.


PHSChemGuy said...

Just smile, nod, make empty, vapid, clichéd responses

...the quintessence of Americanismanityness...

and a hearty and impressed congrats, TL...

kinzi said...

Mabruuk, Teacher Lady. You're the kinda gal I'm glad to see make it in!

Gila said...


Cairogal said...

Congrats!! "...kiss my ass and suck on my balls..." I can't believe that soundtrack wasn't nominated for an Oscar.

Hani Obaid said...

*putting away fanny pack*

Congrats, way to go :)

humble simpleton said...

I took my time to come out with something special, and here it is:

Well, well, You are an American now, ha? So what? Johnny Five made it too!

Seriously now, I recalled a song by Karel Gott, number 13, called Jdi za stestim (go for your happiness), lyrics (in Czech). It's 1978 video, so don't laugh their apparel, OK? In short it tells a story of you setting sail for the new world, to find your love there, regular readers know the story, which has now been approved by the authorities. Well, here's my lame translation. Lame because I won't try any rhyming, I just carry over the meaning, You rhyme it yourself.

1. When the time comes, and love doesn't allow you to sleep, go for your happiness.
When you feel alone and don't know where to go, go for your happiness.
Should you say 'Good Bye', to all which you have loved.
Step over your shade, and with your lap full of love, go for your happiness.

Go on without any cuffs,
your torch is not to go off.
Go on like the water stream,
Cause paradise and luck are so close.

When the time..
..your happiness,
throw behind the past and sick when healthy go for your happiness.
Should you have nothing to live off, should you go blindfolded.
Step out of your gates and driven only with love go for your happiness.


Tears and smile on your face, like one of the last few, go for your happiness.
If your goal was just one step away, go for your happiness.
If you were getting old, with just few years left.
:Still pack your bundle and go on for your love, go for your happiness.:
Repeat ::

Now, just one technical thing, you live there with your family, you have work and everything, what difference does the citizenship actually make?

TeacherLady said...

phschemguy, thanks! I'm very proud. I love the US very much.

Kinzi, very sweet of you to say so!

Gila, thanks!

Cairogal, I KNOW! With lyrics like that, you'd think it would have the best chance of winning... You have excellent taste, I can tell.

Hani, fanny packs may be incredibly useful, but they're just handbags for your crotch. Not very cool sounding now, is it? :) Thanks!

Humble, I'll be able to vote and will be protected as a US citizen. I have some personal concerns that I'm hoping being a citizen of the US will help out. And thanks for the song, it was very sweet.