Disclaimer: Some content is inappropriate for readers under 18 years of age or those offended by swear words, references to sexuality, atheism, and libertarianism.

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Reminiscent of the 19th Century Industrial Revolution.

Good news: The mistreated migrant workers of the U.A.E. went on strike.

Bad News: They got violent and so will all be deported back to their countries of origin.

If only they hadn't given the government grounds to deport them... I would have liked to have seen how they would have been dealt with now that the world is watching; especially in light of all the exposure the treatment of migrant workers there has been given. It's about damn time the world knew, but this wasn't so much a step forward as a shuffle to the side. If only the next herd of laborers threatened to go on peaceful strike if they get the same shit... Otherwise they're just South Asian Uncle Toms and scabs.

Hooray for the birth of the moment when a people decide "We're NOT GONNA TAKE IT"!! Sigh. Back to Twisted Sister again...

Free Rice.

A cute and productive website uncovered by the wonderful PHSChemguy... Click on the answer that best defines the word. If you get it right, you get a harder word. If wrong, you get an easier word.
For each word you get right, we donate 10 grains of rice to the United Nations World Food Program. This is done by the adverts at the bottom of the page. If it's not on the up and up, you at least get to expand your vocabulary.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Jewish-Arab Circus

No, I'm not talking about the sadly ineffectual attempts at political co-existence and "reconciliation", I'm talking about an actual circus. A Jewish-Arab children's Circus . Cute. It may not save the world, but it takes kids out of dangerous situations and puts them into... Sorta dangerous situations... At great heights... Well, you know what I mean. GOD. Stop trying to rain on my parade, dammit!

Extreme Pumpkins

In honor of tomorrow, I've found a cute website featuring people who take pumpkin carving very seriously... Or not... Ladies and germs, I give you Extreme Pumpkins.

Thursday, October 25, 2007


Sometimes I'd rather stab my eardrums with a rusty scalpel than dare listening in to the conversations of our students, but occasionally I hear some that make me smile.

To give context, a kid with an attitude missed a few days of school because he had received a less than desirable haircut. Knowing how his peers would rip into him like a pack of rabid hounds into an arthritic rabbit, he knew better than I how badly he would get it:

"Hey, I know where we can play the next football game... On the bowl on his head!"

"Hey man, did Ray cut your hair?"
"Ray who?"
"Ray Charles."

Another incident involves an expression I've heard of before, but it still makes me laugh:

"Ow, I cut my finger on the sharpener!"
"That's cuz God don't like ugly, an' you an ugly mother."

Monday, October 22, 2007

Correct Usage.

An interesting list of words commonly misused in the English language... The teacher/nerd in me thinks this is cool.

School House Rock Turned Jail House Rock.

I am often so relieved when I choose to approach a situation with a little less aggression and a little more tact. As I ascended a staircase, I saw a guy and a girl chatting when they should have already been in class. They both looked at me awkwardly and as I started to say "get to class" I noticed the girl's eyes were red so I softened my "request" with a:
"I know you must have something serious you need to talk about, but you really should be getting to class."
They began to half-heartedly move off, but I knew it was just for show and was proven right when I descended the same stairs a moment or two later and they had just shifted to the landing. They promptly dispersed, so I made no further comment.
Later on, I see the same kid chatting to a different girl. This guy must be a serious Romeo! I later see the kid talking to the history teacher I work with and so asked him who the Don Juan is.
"Oh that's ... He's going to jail. I asked him why he came to school today when he could be with his family and he said 'dude! This is where the girls are!'..."
"What'd he do?!"
"I don't know. He just said five counts."

I know he made the decision to do whatever it was he did himself, but I'm glad I didn't make things even worse for him by being an ignorant doofus.

Friday, October 19, 2007

What Do You Search For On a Lonely Friday Night?

At first, my husband and I misunderstood this article... We thought it was identifying what the most Googled words of each country were, when in fact it takes certain words and then tells which countries searched for those words the most. So apparently, the Egyptians are a bit horny. (You hear that, Sam? No surprises there.) India's in there too, so Ra did his part to contribute to an interesting statistic! :)

I guess the only reason Western countries weren't the top searchers of the word "sex" is because they're probably a little more specific... I didn't think they'd include "gay clown porn", or "swinger furries porn" in an article like this.

My husband I once thought it would be really entertaining to try our best to come up with a really obscure fetish and see if we can be creative enough to find one that doesn't exist. Neither of us things it possible, but it'd be really funny to try! If you come up with anything, let me know. Thanks to the Distorted View, I've learned of snot porn, which I would have hoped would NEVER exist in a million years. Eughblahyuckarrrrgh. That's the noise I'm making right now at the mere thought of it.

I'm going to have breakfast now.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Toilet Humor. (Shitty Pun, I Know. Ahem.)

Funnier than the actual news story about a woman who may be fined for swearing and yelling at her backed up toilet are the comments beneath it...

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Boobs and Magic (Or Are They One And The Same?)

JK Rowling is not only one of the richest women in the world, she also has a nice rack. (No nudity, so don't get all excited). Funnily enough, I was suffering from a similar situation on my birthday date with my husband this year... My right breast kept wishing to make an appearance throughout our lovely meal. Thankfully, my bra was discrete enough that I didn't look like a Bratz doll looking for Johns... So I can sympathize with her situation.

Anyway, it wasn't my lingerie I was aiming to discuss, but another Rowling related article... Apparently, a really cool Hogwarts model is being built in Calcutta. Check out the film footage of its progress. I don't quit understand how it figures in to a religious festival, but my guess is that perhaps they just like to include pop culture displays rather like floats in a Thanksgiving parade in the States.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Playing Dentist.

And there was I was, comforted in the knowledge that no one could lie worse than my students do... But along came this guy.

I Am...

This could be applicable to any number of countries, really...

Monday, October 15, 2007

Sleeper Cell

Never saw it. Some of the accents are a little dodgy, but it looks interesting nonetheless.

Throwing Stones (No, Not at Tanks...)

I adore laughable examples of hypocrisy in any circumstances, but I have been witness to a few charming ones in the Middle East. I'm not going to delve into the obvious topic of how the "boys" can literally get away with murder, rape, and general mayhem over a girl getting caught bringing dishonor onto her family, because that would be far too easy and a bit of a man-bashing session, which isn't my intention for this post. Anyone with half a brain, an ounce of heart, and the capacity to sit the right way on a toilet (my new favorite expression) knows that's wrong.

No, my subject for today is alcohol. You may not know that in the United Arab Emirates, alcohol may be served in hotel restaurants and bars as well as a limited number of privately owned organizations (ie. The Club also known as The British Club because you get the distinct feelings any other nationality is really not welcome unless you're the waiter, and where there are British persons, there is bound to be copious amounts of fermented vegetable drinks.) Technically, the bars are not permitted to serve alcohol to guests who appear Muslim. My dad got around that airtight, fool-proof policy by wearing jeans and a button up shirt. I guess all he really needed to do was put on glasses, but he went the extra mile...

One day, my family and I were dining at a Chinese buffet (Mandarin restaurant in the Al Ain Palace Hotel, if you must know. The reviews are right. It used to be much better...) when I noticed an Emirati dining alone at a table nearby. I was wondering why he was peering over at us so nervously as we sat down when I noticed the waitress come over to him with a can of Heineken. He called the waitress back and handed her the can, muttering something into her ear.
How sad, I thought, that he would pretend he hadn't ordered it for fear that my family would rat him out to someone who probably wouldn't give a shit either, or that we would somehow find out who he was and broadcast his SHAME to his family. It's not like we caught him playing 'hide the kebab' with a camel...

I could barely contain my amusement at what happened next. The same waitress returned with the very same can of Heineken but with masking tape wrapped around it! Brilliant!! After all, it may have been a Sprite... with masking tape... wrapped around it... yeah.

He should have guessed by the way my family was dressed (no doubt I was showing far too much cleavage and my sister was wearing jeans that were tight enough you could count the change in her pocket, and my brother not beating us for it) that we wouldn't give a flying fuck at a rolling donut as to what he was drinking alongside his dim sum, but I guess he's so used to people with fairly dirty slates chucking stones at anyone who sneezes- he figured we'd be no different.

So, Mr. Man in the Dishdasha, you drink your beer! It's between you and your values/beliefs, not you and me.

It's quite sad that the same guy would probably sooner stitch a red "A" to my chest than offer me the same courtesy for my "sins".

Friday, October 12, 2007

What With All The Toy Recalls In The News...

Tut. Artists.

In reading a wikipedia entry on the artist Stelarc Arcadiou, the first paragraph is fairly average, with no surprises...

"Stelarc (born Stelios Arcadiou on June 19, 1946 in Limassol, Cyprus to Greek Cypriot parents) is an Australian performance artist whose works focus heavily on futurism and extending the capabilities of the human body. As such, most of his pieces are centered around his concept that the human body is obsolete. Until 2007 he held the position of Principal Research Fellow in the Performance Arts Digital Research Unit at Nottingham Trent University in Nottingham, England. He has two daughters, one of whom (Astra Stelarc), has continued in his footsteps as an artist."

The second paragraph starts off fairly normal too...

Stelarc's idiosyncratic performances often involve robotics or other relatively modern technology integrated with his body somehow. In 25 different performances he has hung himself in flesh hook suspension, often with one of his robotic inventions integrated. In another performance he allowed his body to be controlled remotely by electronic muscle stimulators connected to the internet. He has also performed with a robotic third hand, a robotic third arm, and a pneumatic spider-like six-legged walking machine which sits the user in the center of the legs and allows them to control the machine through arm gestures. In 2007, he got a cell-cultivated ear implanted into his left arm. [1]

Woah, woah, woah. WAIT. What?!? Blah blah... Entertaining artsy fartsy technology stuff... "cell-cultivated ear implanted on his left arm"??

His works have been heralded for their abilities to embrace a wider audience, the best example of this was his allowance for the worldwide audience to log into the exhibition and thus access or control the electrodes his own body was hooked up to.

No, no, no, stop. Back up to the part where you mentioned the fact that he had a perfectly good cell-cultivated ear attached to his arm for no other purpose than to be a pretentious artist when it could have gone to a burn victim or something... You don't just gloss over something like that with one throwaway sentences then move on!

Weirdo. Ah well, it's his money and he isn't hurting anyone... Except his children who will require some form of therapy in the near future, or else they'll just become artists too.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

What Not To Do.

So the university student was here today to observe Captain Inappropriate and it went just about as well as I thought it would. It took a good five minutes for him to get the kids to sit down and shut up long enough for him to tell them they were going to do their usual warm-up activity of a times tables worksheet he never even looks at later. Not only that, but he never gets his key totally correct, so as he's reading off the answers, the students voice mass protest every time he gets one wrong. And no, he isn't "testing" them.
They got rowdy again, so of course what better idea than to have them all stand up and tell them the width of their outstretched arms is about the same as their height. While it could have been an interesting discussion of Da Vinci's Vitruvian Man, it instead turned into a mass of arm waving, smacking nearby classmates, and general kerfuffle. (Great word. Use it today.) A student was promptly thrown out of the class.
The rest of the bell was generally maintained at a low level of constant chaos with Captain Inappropriate occasionally calling out:
"Seriously. Guys. Seriously."
I watched the university student's reactions but she gave away about as much as a poker player whose undetected death part way through a game had given way to rigor mortis. I assume she has the know-it-all attitude of your average undergrad student who will go back to her uni and announce how much better she would have done in the classroom teacher's situation given her sparkling lenses on her 20-20 hindsight glasses, or else she might be a real bitch and broadcast it onto a blog.

Oh... Yeah. Hm.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Sand In Hollywood's Eye

I felt like adding to my old list of movies that should have been made in the Middle East to fulfill every fantasy of a great stereotype:

Schindler’s List (Didn’t Exist).
The Usual Suspects (With Zionist Agendas)
Arabian Beauty (In Full Burqa)
SeVen (makes more sense of you know V is the symbol for 7 in Arabic)
Eternal Sunshine (Is All We Get)
Million Dirham Baby (doesn’t do AS well given the exchange rate)
Stand Behind Me
The Dates of Wrath
The Princess Brides

Yup, I'm allowed to say all that just as much as Chris Rock can do his routines.

Molding Young Minds.

Oh geez, the embarrassment will now extend beyond the walls of our school… A student taking an education course from a local university is being assigned to observe Captain Inappropriate’s classroom. Now here’s the question… Do I hint to the kid that there are greener pastures and that he should by NO MEANS WHATSOEVER take any advice from the great Captain, or do I hope he’s intelligent enough to know a shitty lesson when he sees one? My hope is that if he’s smart enough to know which way to sit on a toilet, he’ll know how crappy the class is.

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Bias, Stereotypes, Prejudice, Racism... A Bit of The Truth.

Some Emiratis and Saudis are concerned that the portrayal of Arabs as terrorists in the movie The Kingdom is yet another example of the "Arab Terrorist" stereotype being propagated by the US media... Others aren't quite as concerned, especially since one of the Arab characters is supposed to be a kick-ass good guy.
I won't see the film until it comes out on DVD, so my response won't be very knowledgeable, but my guess is that while the credibility of the action sequences may be questionable, the plot is probably very believable. To deny that some Arabs' behavior is the reason such stereotypes exist would be naive.
And don't think that Arabs aren't guilty of sterotyping others too... If you believed all their political cartoons, all Americans are cowboys bent on taking over the world and shagging any Jewish allies along the way (when the Jews aren't busy drinking the blood of Arab babies. that is). And don't get me started on how badly they depict Indians and Pakistanis in their entertainment media too.
It's not racist to acknowledge facts and statistics... It's only racist to believe ALL of a certain race are predisposed to certain behaviors, which I don't think this movie does.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to adjust my burqa, go feed my camels, cook for my husband (it's my turn this week, then it's wife number 4's turn next week), and yell at my driver for showing up so late to take me to the mall yesterday.

Monday, October 08, 2007

Hot For Teacher.

I'd like to welcome Candy Comrade into our midst... She was under the mistaken belief that the nickname I ascribed to her is merely due to the candy hunts we used to carry out diligently every Friday of last year. No, no, no, no, no... It is also in reference to her sweetness.
And she's hot too, but that's not relevant. Actually, my colleagues are so darned attractive, I'm beginning to wonder if they got hired for their abilities at all..! In fact, I don't have any evidence to prove they even have teaching licenses!! Maybe they're all fraudulent models!!!
Nah. She's a pretty damn good teacher too.

She gives me hope when I'm faced with Captain Inappropriate's bullshit crossword activity for the kids when there are too many boxes for most of the answers.

She brings a ray of sunshine to my day when I've come from a teacher who is adamant in his correctness that opposite numbers (ie. 5 and -5) are "EQUAL". Not their distance from zero/the origin, no... THEY ARE EQUAL.

Breathe. Breathe.

Friday, October 05, 2007

8 Bit Tie and Other Geeky Fashions.

I'm a nerd because I think a man wearing the above tie would be shaggably cute. Available here for fellow nerds.Oh my God. I want this t-shirt so badly. Such a shame it doesn't come in a girl T, medium... You'd think there would be a huge call for that. I'm sure there's a huge untapped market of size 6-8 female role player chicks dying to have their nerdy fashion needs met. I smell a sure fire investment gold mine! Who's with me?!

Oh Yeah, Oh Yeah! Do It To Me!... I'm In Court.

Oh I would just die of embarrassment if I were the guy in this article... It's mortifying enough to have your cell phone ring during a meeting, but to have your ring sound like a woman having an orgasm makes it ten times worse. Actually, no, if it had been a sound bite from Full House THEN he would have HAD to kill himself to expunge the dishonor from his family name.

Thursday, October 04, 2007

Teachers Behaving Badly.

I have commented before on how teachers make the worst students, and I was reminded of that yesterday... All we had to do was sit in front of the computers and follow along with the instructor as she guided us through some fancy new software for us to use with our kids who struggle with reading and writing. Many problems arose. One, most of us have already been to a workshop on this program. Another: Due to budget constraints, the software can only be accessed by a limited number of people at any one time, so the first indicator that things would go a little stray was that we had to share computers. I guess it all began to really fall apart when we started messing with the text-to-speech facility.

Blue Eyes, Bad Influence Teacher: Go on. Make it talk dirty.

TeacherLady: Yeah great, NO ONE will think of doing that. Except we'd really do it, and I bet you the room would fall quiet just as it says something like "cunt".

BEBI Teacher: Oh come on. Wuss.

TeacherLady: At least let's find a sexy voice, this one's lame. Do they have Stephen Hawking on here? Our TomTom can do Ozzy Osbourne and he says stuff like "a...at the end of the f-fuckin' road, turn... err... left". I love it.

Later on, I tried my best to behave but find my thoughts stray towards those of a sexual nature very quickly. I cross and uncross my legs enough times I wonder if people can tell. Can guys tell? Is there any truth to pheromones? Yee. I tried to think of something else when I felt a tap on my arm. I looked over to see Asian Babe teacher grinning and pointing to my feet. I look down and see a note. Oh dear. We've truly become what we hate. Actually, the classes I see don't bother with notes, they hold their most private conversations loud enough for all to hear, whether we like it or not.

Instructor: Now that we're talking about tools, let me show you my tool box.

BEBI Teacher and TeacherLady: Pfffft *snicker* That's what she said...

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Islam Taught Right.

Now here's a Muslim scholar with his head screwed on right. Based on this one article, I'd be willing to have Dr Aidh Bin Abdullah Al Qarni over for tea. He even makes reference to the bit in the Quran which states that Muslims should treat The People of the Book (Christians and Jews) well as all three share the same God. Glad he didn't overlook that part. It's apparently really easy to miss.
When I read the title of the article (Preachers 'must focus on upbeat Islam'), I was afraid they were going to go for the hippie angle of digging out tambourines and acoustic guitars or translate the Quran into modern day slang. Yee.

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Hey, Teacher, Leave Us Kids Alone!

Interesting article on the current lives of the kids who sang the chorus for Pink Floyd's Another Brick In The Wall.

I wholeheartedly agree that the song wasn't anti-education, just anti-shitty education and I couldn't have said it better than they did. It fits in with my philosophy. You can't all be hot for teacher.

Not Clever Or Funny.

I have learned something today: That fasting in a hot climate may turn your sense of humor into the lamest excuse for one since hyperactive morning radio talk show hosts dared to try to be funny at 6 in the morning. I don't know what's worse... The fact that the 'prank' was about as amusing as a 3 hour long mime act or that it led to an enormous fight. One of the guys must be shagging the other guy's wife for it to get that bad...

Monday, October 01, 2007

Map of Terrorism and Other Nasty Things.

For my paranoid population of readers, I offer up the Global Display of Terrorism and Other Suspicious Events map. Enjoy. Or get depressed. Whatever. It really is a beautiful world, but no one wants to watch a map that shows how many kittens have just been rescued, where in the world a baby has just giggled at its own flatulence, or other things that may make you smile.

Gotta Love Outdated Saudi Logic!

A man divorces his wife because she was watching a TV show hosted by a male presenter, which is the same as cheating, right? Right? No, she wasn't doing it knickers off and with the aid of a battery powered device, she was just watching. The telly. Not even a porno. I bet she regrets it wasn't a porno. If you're going to get dumped on your ear by an idiot and from hence forth be regarded as soiled goods, never to find another spouse again, you may as well do it all out.
I guess it's morons like that which explain their women's need to turn to cyber love.
Thankfully I have heard of one Saudi husband who isn't a complete dickhead. One. So far.