Disclaimer: Some content is inappropriate for readers under 18 years of age or those offended by swear words, references to sexuality, atheism, and libertarianism.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Before I Go Go.

Yes, I hope that annoying discharge of a song from the 80s is now plaguing you as it is me. I share the love.

I should be in a better mood. I just won a lottery. Okay, so it's not enough to warrant my husband and I mooning our respective bosses, but it was $500, so I should be smiling. I won it under annoying circumstances, which kind of ruined the effect, though. I went in to the petrol station with my ticket I received in the mail that would either give me one, two, or five free scratch off lottery cards with an outside chance of the $500.

Young Gentleman of Suspiciously Appalachian Descent: You won $500.

TeacherLady: (God, hicks have such a lame sense of humor, though I don't mind some of their stnd-up comedians... Jeff Foxworthy's not bad, but now he does that stupid game show...) Did I? (He doesn't look like he's joking. He's not. Wow. That's kinda cool. I'd best not say anything in case he got it wrong.)

YGSAD: Yup. Let me check. Yup, looks like you won $500. I don't even know if we have that much in the drawers.

He confers with a "woman" who seems to be a few sandwiches short of a picnic herself and has a speech impediment that would befit a cute little girl with fewer teeth than limbs. She smiles at my fortune. Oh hey, whaddya know...

They rifle through their drawers and find they don't have $500 to cough up.

"Woman": You're gonna hafta come back. Uh. You can't take the ticket with you.

TeacherLady: What?

YGSAD: Yeah. I scanned ya in.

TeacherLady: Can't I just cash it in at another place?

"Woman": No, you can't. He scanned ya in, so if you take that we'll be out $500. Just leave it here and come back when our manager gets in because we can't get into the safe in the back.

TeacherLady: But... (I frantically search for some sense of logic in my leaving behind a winning lottery ticket) How can you confirm it's me when I get back?

YGSAD: Just leave your ID here.

At this point another man making his purchase of beer and ciggies nearby looks me straight in the eye and seems to be experiencing the same level of bewilderment I'm experiencing. I ask for them to write a note or something to act as documentation if they seriously insist on telling me to come back later, to which they get frustrated and slightly angry and the "Woman" just keeps repeating how they'd be out $500. In my own frustration, I respond.

TeacherLady: I can't help that!

They finally agree to call their manager in to gain access to the safe. They're still acting mad, and I'm still confused at this point, so I go wait in our car as my daughter is getting just as irritated and I figure Sesame Street can sooth both our nerves.

Anyway, I finally got my money and we parted ways still not quite understanding each other's perspective of the situation. I got the "we'd be out $500" thing again before I touched the door to leave. I guess they may have been so genuinely honest that they really didn't see the holes in their great idea for me to leave behind not only my money but my ID too.

As I fly to Canada for my brother's wedding tomorrow, I was relieved to walk away with my money, my ID, and the hope that my good luck will run throughout my journey alone with my one year old. With a transit. I shall most likely return to blogging for a brief moment before I jet set off onto further adventures.

I would say "wish me luck", but you may already be cursing me as a jammy bastard who didn't deserve the freaking money anyway. :)

Speeding = Penile Inadequacy

I already loved the Aussies, but this ad campaign to fight speeding just made me love them even more.

Saturday, June 23, 2007

I've Been Naughty Again.

I have lost some Brownie points in the eyes of the great Flying Spaghetti Monster in the sky this weekend. For our anniversary, my husband and I went to a swanky restaurant in one of the posh parts of town where the clientele all have sweaters tied around their shoulders and poodles on the ends of their leashes... And I ordered foie gras for the first time.

It was fucking amazing. I pity the goose that gave up its liver to me in a (most likely) uncomfortable manner, but it was so worth it. I actually gave out a groan, breaking for a moment from my trying not to draw attention to myself as I had obviously over-dressed given the polo shirts at the table next to us. I don't usually care, but it was a sexy slinky number and I wasn't wearing a bra. I have never gone out without the over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder on before so I was a little subconscious. I have gone out without underwear before, but that's a different story.

The pan-seared foie gras sat atop a walnut bread crust and all around the plate were these little.. Berries... I wish I could remember what they were, but the online menu doesn't even mention this dish. Anyway, they had been soaked in brandy and they were divine... They were sweet, spicy, and I felt a little light headed after just one. I suddenly decided that would be the most decedent way to get drunk... To lie back and eat a bowl full of these little beauties. I stifled the instinct to inadvertently recreate that scene from When Harry Met Sally, but only just.

This was a restaurant I was going to review for a certain colleague of mine, so if that colleague is reading this, it's a two forks up for me. The service was tremendous, the decor good (Red, cavernous, simple), the ambiance good but a tad more noisy than we expected possibly because of the architecture, the food was affordable and creative while still including popular favorites. I didn't try their famous lobster because I didn't know what the market price was and I didn't want to ask. They wrote "Happy Anniversary" in chocolate on the dessert we shared, and then excluded it from the bill.

They've acquired two new friends.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

The Other Side of War

I've just finished reading The Other Side of War: Women's Stories of Survival and Hope as I couldn't put it down for very long the past three days I've had it out from the local public library.
It's a collection of tales from survivors of various wars with useful summaries of the conflict of each region at the start of each section. It filled in some gaps in my knowledge and continued to confirm my belief that the UN is fucking useless in so many ways. I'm sure they do plenty of good, but there are moments of such ineffectual shoulder shrugging that I can't help but think they need to be more forceful than careful at times (such as their not using arms to defend the lives of hundreds of thousands of people in the Rwanda. Because using guns would have been wrong. I'm sure the woman who lay pretending to be dead under the butchered bodies of her seven children and husband was so grateful that no guns were used in her family's defence... I bet she was also grateful for the UN supplies that were then given to her attackers when they fled to neighboring villages. So thoughtful.)

It was incredibly enlightening and reminded me to go to the link I have on the right hand side of this page under my list of charities- Women for Women International to sign up to sponsor a woman in a war torn country to help her learn to help herself. With my money, she will receive the money she needs to have her children and/or herself educated, learn a trade, buy supplies for her trade, and feed herself and her family as well as get medicines etc. I have to do something to try to leave this world a little bit better than when I found it. I urge you to do the same in whatever way you wish through Give.org.
I'll give an update on how that goes once I've been paired with a "sister".

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

The Umbilical Brothers

I love these guys. They're a pair of Australians who have a kids' show on Noggin called The Upside Down Show which often has a few gags that go over the kids' heads that I fully appreciate. Here they are performing a more "mature" show by acting thoroughly immature. The best way I can describe their act is mime with vocals that is actually funny.

Monday, June 18, 2007

Phallic Food Is Fun!

I wish I could take credit for finding this, but my husband showed it to me after he heard about it on The Distorted View. I absolutely adore the comments and questions about the penis shaped crisp that was sold on eBay.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Blease To Speak English, Habibty.

My apologies to any Syrians reading this. I was sent these pictures under the subject title "Don't you love Syria?" or something along those lines, but it could easily be applied to any Middle Eastern country, because God knows I grew up with loads of similar sights.

For those who don't know... There is no letter "p" in the modern Arabic alphabet, and so "b" is often substituted. I HATED hearing people say "hamboorger", but "Bebsi" on the side was even worse.

And shut up. I can make fun. Being half Arab entitles me to laugh at my own people, guilt free. I laugh at others for a minor additional fee, but it's so worth it.

Up To My Nostrils In Stink.

Not that anyone will miss me much, but my postings shall be far fewer and in between from now on as I spend more time with my spawn. She's cuter than this PC and her crashes are only marginally fewer in number.

She's recently acquired the nasty flu type thingie that I've just recovered from, and so my guilt trip has turned into a sabbatical from my blogging. What's even more sad is that her diapers have the absorbency of one of those lame shiny-textured napkins they give at ice cream parlors, so almost every morning she's woken up with a mud wrap. A real, stinky, horrific, nightmarish mud wrap. The feet to her pajamas just help hold it all in. I feel so bad for her. My husband's just caught it too, but the age gap between us has yet to call for me to wipe his bottom.


Saturday, June 09, 2007

And The Year's Best Overhead Conversation Is...?

Student 2:... And I think a dude probably give better head, y'know?

Student 1: (Leaping out of his seat and holding his cell phone aloft) Oh YEAH! AND I was recording that on my cell phone!!!

Student 2: (Almost falls out of his chair backwards and paces with embarrassment to the other side of the room) Aw HELL NAW!

Teacher: Language.

Student 2: (Pacing the perimeter of the room with a half grin/half I'm-going-to-have-to-change-my-name-and-save-up-for-life-altering-plastic-surgery look on his face and pointing an accusing finger at his "best friend".) HECK Naw. Oh man.. If you... I didn't mean it like that. Make me sound like a fag!

Student 1: All on my phone! (Giggles in his fantastic crack-head way that can only be duplicated by others of his ilk or Dave Chappelle)

Student 2: I'm gonna... Aw man... (Starts to look genuinely upset. Probably imagining the N*Sync posters that are going to be pasted on his locker all year or the star treatment he'll probably get once he finally gets caught for dealing in drugs and word makes it to the prison that he likes his loafers light.)

Student 1: C'mon man, I'll delete it. Later. (Giggles more) No man, really. Really. I will. I'm doing it right now. Really.

I wonder if it's too soon to look on YouTube for that choice sound bite? If only Student 1 knew computers the way he knows his narcotics.

Thursday, June 07, 2007

And The Year's Best Quote Is...?

My favourite (I'm feeling more British today) quote from a student this whole academic year is...

"Why don't my eyes feel like eyes..?"

We always get the best quotes from the resident crack-head student.


In response to a semester exam question:

Defition of homogenous mixture-


As a teacher representative of the Gay Straight Alliance at the school, I should probably have a little talk with her, but somehow I'm not sensing homophobia so much as a girl who should have studied a teensy bit harder for her exam that was EXACTLY THE SAME AS HER STUDY GUIDE... BUT WITH FEWER CHOICES IN THE MULTIPLE CHOICE SECTION. Oh my freaking God.

You start to get the impression that we're holding out A's and if the kid can be bothered to get off of his/her ass, they "earn" it. Some of these kids don't even make the effort to lift half a butt cheek, let alone the whole ham. Next we'll start rewarding kids for simply showing up... Oh wait. We already do that...

Air Guitar Championship??

Who knew?

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

I'm So Easily Amused!

Veronika Decides To Die

I seem to be on a depressing book kick, but contrary to the assumption you would make from the title, Veronika Decides To Die isn't a masochistic read for the miserable and won't have you slashing your wrists with whatever vaguely sharp object is lying around in your vicinity. It's written by Paulo Coelho who wisely chose to use his experience of incarceration in a mental health facility as a source of artistic inspiration rather than an excuse for vengeance on his parents, as most of us might do.
In this case, Veronika has failed her attempt at suicide and wakes up in an asylum where she is told that she has irreparably damaged her heart with the overdose of sleeping pills she had given herself.
Through various characters, the author explores what it means to be "insane" and heavily emphasizes his belief that to not live life to the fullest is the greatest insanity of all.
In saying that, I haven't given anything enormous away, so if you're interested it's certainly worth picking up.

Monday, June 04, 2007

The Olympics Woz Ere

It seems fairly unanimous that this is an ugly logo. What's funnier is the response from people with suggestions of their own Olympics Logo... The last one's nod to The Office was cute. The first suggestion isn't that bad, actually. I much prefer it to this nasty graffito style they did decide on. I always struggled to read graffiti and some idiot decided it would be great to use a barely legible font for the Olympics?!

Friday, June 01, 2007

Is That Beer In Your Sippy Cup...?

Yet again, another reason for my loving the Japanese culture. Sangaria, a Japanese beverage company, has come out with a new beer for kids. It's non-alcoholic, but has all the appearances of the real thing. I can't wait for them to realize the market potential for kiddie jello-shots!