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Thursday, May 31, 2007

Teaching = Alcoholism.

While I'm not really a big drinker at all, I've taken to going for a Friday drinks-and-bitching session after work every Friday when the most I used to drink was one glass of wine every three or four months, so the difference is significant enough to raise my own eyebrows (and glass). It's only fitting that one of my "drinking buddies" in the special ed. department would send me this today (I don't know how accurate it is, but the bit about administrators seems pretty spot-on):


Subject: Teachers and drinking. It is no secret that teachers consume alcohol and sometime in large quantities. Sometimes it is just socializing after the football game or parent-teacher conference, but most of the time it is a way to forget the spoiled kids they deal with for 8 hours a day 185 days a year. Below is how the average subject teacher may drink.

English: Females will drink wine or martinis. Generally is a slow drinker and will only have a few before going, mostly Guinness, Bass, or Stella. Usually English teachers are the last ones to the bar and the first ones to leave.

Fine Arts: Their title says it all. Sophisticated people prefer sophisticated drinks. They often ask for something the bar doesn't have and then settles for a mixed drink or lite beer (in a glass). They often doodle on a napkin which may eventually turn into a lesson plan.

Business: They usually drink mixed cocktails or high end beer. They will engage in conversation usually about something they saw on CNBC or read in the Business section of the Tribune. Also known to drink their fellow teachers under the table after an especially bad day.

Science: Science teachers will vary by field of study, but many of them can tell you the process in which the alcohol they are drinking was created. Some are very simple people and just drink beer and like to have fun while doing so. Some are very sophisticated and will drink high end Martini's or Cosmopolitans. Many drink like they teach: "let's try something, see what happens, then analyze it and maybe repeat the process looking for similar results give or take one standard deviation."

PE/Health/Driver's ED: They drink beer, off the tap, out of a bottle,by the pitcher and it doesn't matter the brand as long as it's cold.They will also be the first to order shots and order plenty. Often times you will find them playing darts, pool, or anything competitive. Generally they are the aggressive ones and will approach many individuals trying to "Score". They are the first ones into the bar and the last ones to leave.

Math: These teachers think they are cool because they know exactly what 15% is of any tab and tip exactly that. The women will drink wine or something mixed with diet soda. The men are beer drinkers but lightweights compared to the PE or Social Studies staff.

Social Studies/History/Govt. etc: These teachers like to play trivia and generally drink beer. Lots and lots of it. They usually relate well with the PE and Business staff and will get to the bar early and will stay late.

Foreign Language: These teachers will order something from their native language and try to look cool. They may engage in conversation other than in English with the bar patrons or staff. They generally arrive late and leave early.

Special Education: Drink to get drunk and they don't care what kind of booze it is. If you had their day you would too. These teachers should have an alcohol per diem written into their contract.

Other Electives (Computers, Shop, Auto, Home Ec): Don't go the bar with these teachers unless you're ready to spend the night. Like the SPECIAL ED crowd, they often have the students that nobody else really wants--not necessarily the college-bound crew. They drink heavily and it doesn't matter what it is, give them a break because you don't want to be them and you don't want to get into it with them when they're drunk, which is often.

ADMINISTRATION: Should buy the 1st round but generally don't. They usually have 1 or 2 drinks and leave early, before they bond TOO much with the staff. Males will have a beer and try to fit in with their teachers. Females will drink something lighter or fancier and will also leave early or just never show up. However, all bets are off if the administrator used to be PE/Health/Driver Ed before going over to the Dark Side. Those will drink you under the table.

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