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Thursday, May 03, 2007

Air Conditioners and Abstinence.

My classroom air conditioner is leaking. A small white water river has developed around my desk, so I decided against the three inch heels this morning in favor of sneakers, and have started charging my students for the use of a kayak.

Oh alright. It's not THAT bad, but I'm still charging them for the use of my ferry service for me to get to them every time they have a question. It cuts down on the stupid, lazy questions when they know they have to pay for it.

When I was pregnant, I would always sit back at my desk while my students worked on their various assignments in my room so that any time they had a question, I would make a big show of hauling my vaguely mother-Earth physique over to them, huffing and puffing the whole way. The number of pointless questions dropped dramatically, thanks to the presence of actual empathy and the awareness that asking what a question means before even reading it may not be a justifiable reason to make the lady with the ever widening ass to hyperventilate her way over.

When I think about it, my pregnancy came in handy in other ways too... Rather than being the stick-in-the-mud to be ignored when I said something along the lines of "watch your language", I could instead say "Oh my! Shh.. The baby will hear!" and get a smile out of them as well as an apology.
I also used it as a form of contraception. I actually told some curious female students who gushed with comments like "Oh I can't wait to have a baby!" about the wonders of the episiotomy.
"They cut you... THERE?"
"Yup, if the baby's too big, or you're too small, they make a cut THERE. If they don't, they're a big chance you just RIP. And I've heard the stitches can sting for a while afterwards... And going to the bathroom..? Woohoo!"
I stood back and watched in delight as the girls took their horrified expressions over to their friends and the look spread like wildfire.

I hope I ruined the chances of many teenage sweaty encounters for at least a week. I may be on to something in the area of teaching abstinence to 15 year olds. I'm sure someone could get a hold of enlarged color photographs to act as visual aids...


jjs mama said...

Haha, episiotomy means nothing if they find out about the other "E" word. Epidural!

{sigh} good times

TeacherLady said...

Yeah, I wasn't about to remind them of that... I wanted the sting to last a little longer.