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Thursday, October 12, 2006

Darwin's Sad Duty

A few years ago, I had the pleasure of teaching one of the largest, most charming liars I've ever known. She had a smile that could have melted the heart of Joseph Stalin on a bad mustache day, and was a cronic liar, a theif, and avoider of most things academic. She would make any excuse as to why she couldn't write anything down each day, from a very obviously hastily wrapped "bandage" (scrap of some rag) on her hand to being unable to work because she was crying about all her dead brothers and sisters. This disturbed me and so I called a meeting with the rest of her teachers and her mother.
The mother was just as generous of size (apple... tree) and I felt grateful I didn't teach in a kindergarten school because she would have had to park herelf in one of those tiny chairs barely able to accommodate one ass-cheek of an emaciated model. When I brought up the student's story about her deceased siblings, the mother's reaction surprised me. Instead of a furrowed brow and a frown on her lips, her response was reminicent of a person reminded of the time Uncle Marty embarrassed everyone at the wedding with the story about the sheep but everyone thought it was funny afterwards.
"Oh she always knows when I'm pregnant because every time I am and we go get McDonalds (bingo) the smell makes me sick and when we go back again and it doesn't make me sick, she knows the baby's gone."
As I was leading her back to the front door, I mustered up every diplomatic cell in my body.
"Have you considered using some form of contraception?"
"Yeah, I had my tubes tied years ago..."
"But it didn't work after a while."
"I guess they came untied!" she chortled.
"I guess so."

Only then did it occur to me that someone wanted to sleep with this woman more than once. I shuddered.
"Ooh, there's a breeze."

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